Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Dear Sabby,

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost a year now. We’ve gone up and down but still manage to be head over heels with each other. Now.. He used to go out all night and party all the time. In fact only until recently when I left him and tried dating someone else did it stop. One night I just couldn’t take it anymore he was at some foam party where all of his friends were talking about hooking up with slutty girls. I expressed to him that I just felt a little uneasy about it, just to be open and honest. He said he would call me and not to worry about anything, so honestly I didn’t.

Long story short again he never called me until I called him late that night.  He was trashed and cussing me out and calling me names. At this point I had had it so I broke up with him and decided to date someone that had been asking me for quite some time. Me and new guy went on a date waaay too soon, got waaay to drunk and hooked up. Then my boyfriend called wanting to get back together bla bla bla. We did and I realized I had made a mistake with this new guy, so I confessed what had happened. He was hurt and got really upset. He told me that he really loved our sex and that he felt it was more than just sex to him. He said that he never would just hook up with someone that easy regardless if we were dating or not (I know I acted risqué) and that I had betrayed him.

Honestly ever since I went out on that date he’s been the best boyfriend ever. He calls me just to tell me he loves me all the time, we see each other a lot, and we’ve almost completely stopped fighting. But god he will NOT have sex with me anymore. Its been almost two months and he just will not have sex with me. I’m dying here! I’m 21 so sex is a big part of my life, especially with and only with the one I love. It makes me very upset to have not have had that kind of intimacy with him for so long. I’m not ugly by any means, I do very sexy things for him, I’m not dirty, I never yell at him, I rub his whole body down after he gets off work and he loves it; I just don’t understand.

I’m a hott girlfriend! I have to keep telling myself that because his lack of lust after me makes me feel not so hott. I’ve already talked to him a couple times about it and he just says it’s because of my mistake and that its hard for him to have sex when he knows someone else had it with me. It’s just really throwing me off because he really isn’t that much of an emotional guy, he never shows emotion and says he just doesn’t really have many. This whole thing is really really getting to me, I don’t feel sexy, or wanted.  I’m just wondering if you think this can be fixed, or maybe if he’s not telling me really what’s going on. Please help!!

- Olivia

Other advice columns would immediately tell you “If he’s not having sex with you, it’s because he’s having sex with someone else.” I typically try to stay away from that answer because I think it’s a garbage response, but the more I read over your story, the more I wonder if that’s the case here.

When a guy feels threatened – either by you possibly leaving him or because of another guy, they usually default to loving boyfriend mode. They do this to earn you back and it doesn’t usually last very long. So be aware that his calling you and all of his lovey dovey antics may soon stop. Think of the very start of your relationship and how perfect and happy it was. Now remember that the honeymoon phase eventually ended and turned into the fighting and crap you just went through.

Far as the sex goes… or the lack thereof… It could be a number of things. He could very well be getting ass from someone else. It would also explain him being sweet and being extra careful about calling in. But again, I just really don’t like that answer. I don’t want you to be all paranoid that he’s cheating on you. So you need to ask yourself – besides the fight and you hooking up with another guy, what’s changed? And I don’t just mean with your relationship. I’m talking family, bills, his job? Stress could very easily be the reason for him not having sex with you.

But still… I just can’t help but think he’s getting sex from someone else.

Hey Sabby,

I run an online company with some online friends that I have known for many years. It’s been a lot of fun and been quite profitable. I’ve really enjoyed working with these people and the money has been great. Recently, the head of the company gave his brother and his brother’s girlfriend a job. I was okay with this in the beginning because it meant a little less work for me (or should have) without really costing me anything.

The brother and girlfriend live in the same house with the owner. You would think that they would be able to communicate well being only feet from each other but their lack of communication is really putting a strain on the company as a whole and making the work even more stressful on me. The owner and I have had many discussions about how he doesn’t really want them working in the company either, but they are family and he wants to help them out.

I can’t help but think well, they aren’t my family and they are hurting me as a person and my business not to mention how much this then affects MY family. I want them gone if they can’t communicate or do the work correctly. I don’t know if I should tell the owner that and risk him telling me to piss off or if I should just suck it up and deal with it.

- Angela

This is a really touchy situation you’re in. I don’t think there is a way to settle these issues without some good old fashioned bluntness.

Pull out a fresh sheet of paper. First I want you to outline the Pros and Cons of working for this online company. I want you to think about how the company was before the brother and his girlfriend came along and write the pros and cons. Then I want you to think about the company now and do it again. Really think about what you put down and try to be as honest and detailed as possible because you should really show it to the owner of the company. It’s a good starting point so you can get out your feelings and show him what has changed.

You’re going to have to tell him exactly why you want him to fire his family. While it sounds like he realizes they suck at their jobs, they are still family. So you’re going to have to come up with some serious and real reasons why they are harming the company – not just you. And if you can’t do that, then you need to rethink your plan.

An alternative in this situation is to come up with a better way for you all to communicate. Use everything available – email, instant message, MySpace, Facebook, voice servers like TeamSpeak or Ventrilo. Whatever it takes to get you all on the same page, do it!

Dear Sabby:

I have been divorced for over 10 years now.  I am now at a point in my life where I am looking to make new friends.  I am not into Clubs and bars.  I have tried every site possible to meet people.  So can you recommend any other ways of developing my social life.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Ruth

You’re making a good start by just getting out there! After all, you just met me and hey, I’m pretty damn awesome. But in all seriousness…

I assume by “every site possible” this includes MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc. So the real question is this: How are you utilizing these sites? MySpace has a fantastic networking aspect to it. Not only can you participate in forum discussions and make bonds with people, but you can join more subjective groups and even find some that were made specifically for people in your area. Even better – you can create your own group and use it as a nice icebreaker to message people in your area and you can meet them that way!

Have any interests? – Books, horses, stamp collecting, painting, cooking? Any one of these interests (and whatever else you’re into) are a good base for making friends. You just need to find a group geared towards one or more of them. I like Meetup.com because it gives everyone an excuse to meet each other in a public place over a common interest. There’s no random messaging of people online and it’s a much safer setting.

If you are looking for a significant other, all of the above is still good advice. But I’d also like to throw PlentyOfFish.com in there because I think it’s a nice dating site. It’s completely free. No seriously – not even like “Oh you can email 5 people ever and then you have to upgrade to read their responses” sort of free. Nope.. totally free and it has forums! Oh yes, I like forums. You can find people without even looking for them using forums.

Oh yeah… and I met my awesome husband there!

To add to this… Your local library, parks and recreation department, town visitor centers, etc will have pamphlets and information on events happening in your area. You might want to check some of those out and see if any interest you. At least there, you can meet others who were interested as well. Hotels also have good ideas for places to go and even have coupons to attractions in your area for cheap. Again, good place to meet people of common interests.

Good luck to you Ruth. Hope you have some good information to finding some awesome new friends!

[The original question has been edited by me in order to correct a typo and miscommunication between the questioner and myself. My apologies to both Ruth and my readers for the mistake. The above response by myself has been edited to reflect the modified question and information. Sorry guys!]

Dear Sabby,
I’m a 22 year old girl who met a guy online 4 years ago and became best friends with him. Two years later, we are in love. We talk on the phone and webcam all the time and I love him to death. However I never really felt like he was mine. I strongly believe in destiny and that things happen if they’re really meant to be. This guy is the air I breathe. He’s everything to me. He lives in my home country. I haven’t been able to visit the place because I was broke as hell trying to pay for school and everything.

I can’t tell my parents about him because lets face it that’s a very odd story. The culture that I’m from doesn’t even allow having boyfriends. My parents have been trying to get me to get to know guys and marry them the old fashioned way. Basically they introduce you to someone and you guys start dating with their knowledge then if you’re compatible and fall in love you get married. However, they’d never accept the man I’m with. Based on their way of thinking, I know they’d think he’s too young and just wants me for the papers. I know this guy like the back of my hand and he truly loves me for who I am. He is my best friend.

I tried to break up with him a million times because I knew we could never be. But somehow we just kept on going back together. It’s like I’m addicted to him. He’s the shoulder I cry on and always supporting me in everything I do. I’m also done paying back my loans and I want to go to my home country this december and see my boyfriend for the first time and introduce him to my parents and hopefully get engaged. A few weeks ago, my parents talked about introducing me to this guy for marriage. I refused all the ones before him and it caused me a lot of tears, depression and headaches.

This time, I decided to play their game, pretend I’m intested and pretend like I actually gave the guy a chance and then tell me it just didn’t work out. However this guy now likes me and I’m putting a wall between us so that I don’t fall for him. I feel like I’m cheating him and my boyfriend even though my boyfriend is well aware of the situation. I cannot get married without my parents blessings and they know this guy and I know they’ll agree to me marrying him. I’m trying to look at the big picture here. This new guy and I are very compatible and view life similarily. If I could make a list of all that I want in a man, he’d be the incarnation of that. However I have strong feelings for someone who understands me.

- Chikita

Arranged marriages to me are just weird. My parents tried to find me boyfriends they liked all the time when I was your age and younger. I really think it’s their odd way of protecting us because they aren’t ready to let go and let you make mistakes. You’re young yet and believe me, you’re going to make mistakes and this guy may very well be one of them.

You have a lot to consider. First off, you sound like your culture is important to you since you said you cannot get married without your parent’s blessing. Obviously if you live in the United States (which I’m assuming you do since you have such good English) and you have every right to marry whoever you want at your age without the permission from your family. So clearly, it’s a cultural thing for you.

I’ve met a lot of people online – both friends and boyfriends. It can be a good thing… and it can also be a really bad thing. This guy could be a axe murderer or something crazy. Maybe he really is in it for the papers. Who knows. When someone wants in this country bad enough, they really do crazy shit like this. I give him props though.. four years is a long time. Hell, I give you props too because surviving 4 whole years of a long distance relationship is just plain crazy.

I love how you said your parents would think he was too young. What about you? Darlin’ I think you are too young as well for all of this. But it sounds like you have a nice guy near by worth looking into. Is it possible that you are so hung up on this long distance guy that you aren’t giving this new one a fair chance?

Yeah, yeah.. I know you’re in love with your online boyfriend and you probably wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings even if you did find someone else, but come on… you are only 22 and you’ve been with this online guy since you were like 18 years old! Get out and live a little. Take a chance on this new guy. At least if you find out you don’t like him, you won’t have spent thousands of dollars flying around the world, eloping and ending with a funky divorce.

Sabby, I met this incredible woman. She’s everything a guy could ask for and then a whole bunch of stuff you know not to ask for, but hope for anyways. I think she’s interested in me and I’m definitely interested in her. The catch is, she’s married. I’ve heard around the office that she’s going through a divorce. Would it be inappropriate to express my interest in her and how do I do that?

David – California

I don’t even know where to begin. There are so many things wrong with this story.

Okay, okay. First off David… this woman is married. Sure, there are rumors that she won’t be for long but that’s why they are rumors. If she’s still got a ring on her finger, just stay away from her. You could totally make an ass of yourself and worse you could get fired for making advances on a married woman you work with.

Now wouldn’t that suck?

Secondly, you never date someone you work with. Don’t you watch movies David? No? Well go find yourself a non-married woman and take her on a date to the movies. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two.

P.S. Thank you for being my first male reader. Don’t you feel special.